Calming myself with a (non-tequila) sunrise

Our 16-week appointment is coming up, which is totally NOT a milestone of any kind, nor should it be any cause for concern, but of course because it’s been three weeks since I last heard the heartbeat, I’ve started panicking. Again with the fears that Right On Time Fetus is dead, again with the obsessive-compulsive thoughts about how it maybe just stopped growing. Distraction, as always, is so damn important — and it was great last week because I turned 34 and was easily able to distract myself for a few days with other, more selfish fears of aging and disease. Then I had to pay my taxes — the infertility meds came in handy for easing the financial strain this year, but it was still a major blow to the bank account having to write those cheques. The only upside was that it proved to be another great distraction as I replaced baby fears with fears of The Tax Man coming to my front door and threatening to audit me and take even more of my monies.

Finally, I decided this weekend to attempt a form of distraction that did NOT involve fear (wha? huh?). Rather, it involved escaping to my parents’ new cottage two hours north of the city, perched right on a beautiful lake. It was my first time sleeping over there and — because it’s east-facing and still doesn’t have curtains or blinds — I was woken up at 5:45 a.m. by the sunrise. This is what I saw from my position in bed:


Normally, I would have been irritated at anyone waking me up at 5:45 a.m., be it a friend, stranger, or ball of fire in the sky. But I figured I should probably get used to this if there still is a heartbeat inside my abdomen, as it will eventually make for a pretty sleepless fall/winter, defined largely by wailing and pooping. And so I took a few moments to appreciate the insane peace and tranquility of a Muskoka lake before anyone else had woken up (and if Right On Time Fetus was awake by that point, well, good for him/her. Wait, can fetuses even open their eyelids at 16 weeks? Gawd, nevermind).

Anyone have any other calming rituals I might be able to borrow in the days leading up to these tests, scans and appointments?

15 thoughts on “Calming myself with a (non-tequila) sunrise

  1. I’m also always worried when I haven’t had an ultrasound in a while. I just try to do something fun the night before (like walking the dogs or watching something funny). The day of, I’m always nervous, but I try to remind myself that a miscarriage at this point- especially a missed miscarriage- is pretty uncommon. I don’t know how well my self-soothing works, though. Sadly, I think worry goes with the territory! I didn’t enjoy my nuchal ultrasound like I should have because I was too busy obsessing over whether the nuchal fold looked too thick and abnormal. =P

    Good luck! I’m sure it will go well. =)

  2. I love being awake for sunrises, as long as I’ve woken up on my own terms. I have a feeling they wouldn’t be as nice and peaceful with a squalling infant on my hip. Enjoy it while you can!!

  3. I have those same thoughts and fears. I don’t obsess about it, but those thoughts certainly cross my mind at least once a day. I think until you can feel movement it’s just really hard to believe/trust that everything is going ok (especially for you, with your lack of symptoms and all that). It doesn’t matter how well the last appointment went and how healthy my OB said the babies are. I guess we need to just get used to worry. I think that’s just going to be our normal state of being for quite awhile.
    Um, and that view is gorgeous. I would not mind being woken up by that.

  4. Well – I just LOVE what you woke up to! What a great way to start the day, even if it is 5:45 AM.

    Until I can feel my baby moving all the time, I’m always nervouse before an ultrasound or even the doppler. I’m sure you’ll be just fine, but I understand the fear. It’s awful.

  5. I’m up at 5:15 every morning to be in the pool by 6 AM, we’ve just started open water swimming, which is the best! Being in the middle of a lake at the early morning hour -quoting Lawerence from Office Space: fuckin-A man…fuckin’ A
    BTW: that view is breathtaking!

    • Omg I hope you live somewhere warm! The lake water up here is FREEZING right now. I remember the mandatory morning swim at camp and just dreading it. Sure, it feels good once you’re done, but every bone in my body would always be screaming at me not to jump in that cold water at such an ungodly hour.

  6. Beautiful photo!!
    I used to get sooo nervous prior to each ultrasound appt. I couldn’t sleep and had trouble eating. It’s tough! I read a lot, which is a great escape for me. I’ve tried guided relaxation and meditation CDs, which are quite relaxing. Taking walks and doing yoga sometimes helps, as well. Keep hanging in there, girl! I’m thinking of you!!

    • I did actually decide to do some reading last night! My mom got me the latest David Sedaris, Let’s Explore Diabetes With Owls — it’s HILARIOUS. And provided at least two hours of temporary anxiety relief. :)

  7. I would love to wake up to that view every, single day… beautiful! I guess being there, and having that view would make it easier to take things one minute at a time, which is the only way to handle the stress of pregnancy. Hugs… and hang in there!

  8. Super jealous of that view! It’s great to just get away. I love waking up very early, especially on vacation, at that time that it feels like the whole rest of the world is sleeping. When I’m at home, I snooze until the last moment, but on vacay it just feels so different.

    I agree that reading relaxes me, as does yoga. Not that I’m very good, but I pretend that I am.

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