Just don’t think about whether there might be something dead or alive within you!

The week and a bit before my March 4 ultrasound is absolutely killing me. I have much, much empathy for those coping with ye ol’ 2-week-wait, but there is a special breed of torment in the build-up to Ultrasound Numero Uno, ie. the ultrasound that reveals whether you have dead human remains festering within you or an actual living being with a heartbeat and spinal cord. Yeah, no biggie — don’t even think about it.

As if. I can’t stop thinking about it. And at the same time, I’m so paralyzed with fear that I’m unable to act on my constant thinking about it, so instead I’m just sitting here in a panic, not looking into OBs, not researching what I should or shouldn’t be eating/drinking, not learning about what changes may be going on with my body — basically not acknowledging this pregnancy at all just in case I jinx it. Of course, I made the one mistake of Google Imaging what my lazy embryo should look like if it is, in fact, alive and well. And it turns out to be this weird blob that’s something between a tadpole and a misshapen kidney. That’s sort of creeping me out, to be honest.

On top of all this, I still have zero symptoms, which is worrying. OK, that’s not entirely true — I’ve been having some lower-back pain, but while that normally might console me, I’ve read about women who get lower-back pain right before they miscarry, so NEVERMIND FEELING BETTER ABOUT THAT. I guess I just have to try harder to distract myself, and hopefully the weekend will be busy enough to help me accomplish this. I’ve got a facial booked, some hang times with a friend, a brunch date, a late-lunch date, and an Oscar party. Then it’s another seven days and seven nights of mental anguish…

On another note, check out this fun toy company I found, called I Heart Guts! They make plush uteruses and ovaries! A perfect gift for the RE in your life, or perhaps that friend who still doesn’t understand what fallopian tubes have to do with getting pregnant.


This is the “ova achiever”… cuteness!

15 thoughts on “Just don’t think about whether there might be something dead or alive within you!

  1. You crack me up! It’s hard to make miscarriage jokes well but the “dead human remains festering within you” thing is pretty good. On the bright side, it would be better than having UNdead human remains festering within you. Although a zombie fetus probably would have chewed its way out by now, in which case you’d have some answers. But then you’d be dead too. So we don’t want that. I’m rambling in an attempt to distract you for the 1.3 seconds it takes you to read this post. Enjoy your weekend plans and keep your mind occupied!

  2. Oh man, here I am worrying about an ET an then I read stuff like this and think, damnnnn some people have real worries. Bah! I want to be you and don’t want to be you at the same time because it seems like at each stage, the worries get more hardcore. You do have a wonderful sense of humor about it, which is fabulous. If I say, “I’m sure everything will be just fine,” will you believe me? I’m going to say it anyway. And all those positive distractions can only help… think of more! Movies? Stamp collecting? Money laundering? Just make sure it’s non-baby related.

  3. I agree that this wait is the worst. Too early to feel anything or expect symptoms, and too late for HPTs to tell you anything. I hate it. I hate it for you.

    Hang in there though! You have great betas on your side!!!!

  4. The ultrasound wait is THE WORST! I used to imagine all kinds of scenarios – mostly bad. I tried to stay positive, but you can’t help but think of what might go wrong. Especially with a history of infertility and/or loss. Your brain is trained to think everything will fail. You haven’t had it easy either, with your betas. I feel for you! I worried a lot about everything in the beginning. I still worry now, but not quite as much. It’s only natural – as this is THE dream you have been waiting for. I barely had any symptoms either – never had morning sickness, which freaked me out.
    I am thinking of you often and hoping for the BEST news ever on March 4th!! I feel so optimistic for you!! Grow baby, grow! Hurry March 4th! Big hugs xoxo

  5. Waiting for that first ultrasound is a special kind of torture, no doubt about it. I’m still not sure how I got through my wait without completely losing my mind, so I don’t have any helpful advice. The one bit of hope I can give you is that it does, eventually, get easier. (Like in about 18 or 19 weeks.)

    Have a great weekend!

  6. I work at a hospital with ultrasound equipment so I peaked with an abdominal scan before my first scan with my re. I didn’t really reassure me though because I couldn’t really see anything. I worried before every scan and every doctor’s appointment though. I hope the next week passes easily for you and I can’t wait for some good news after your appointment.

  7. I love Ova Achiever! She is adorable! As for the waiting torture, as usual, you’ve hit the nail on the head (and with humor). It is torture, plain and simple. And the worry doesn’t go away, but it eventually eases (as others have said, sometime roughly in the second trimester). Distraction is great if you got it. You’re literally doing all you can, so good on you! Your commenters are 100% optimistic for you right now (since we know it’s tough to be for yourself). ;)

  8. You seem to have adequately jammed your weekend full of distractions, so congratulations on managing that feat. When I get anxious, I withdraw and “hunker down.” Your method sounds a lot healthier. Ugghhh. I wish for you that this ultrasound was happening tomorrow. I’m going to get busy trying to think up some irrelevant distractions!

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