Srsly need to get a grip!

I am not a crazy person. I am a level-headed Taurus who tends to remain calm and focused in emergencies. I’m not moody or irrational. But holy shitballs is this run-up to the first ultrasound turning me into a LUNATIC! This is what went down yesterday:

6 p.m. – Out of nowhere, while finishing up an assignment for work (at my home office), panic that I’m not pregnant anymore and decide to pee on a stick, even though I know that it would be positive regardless of whether Mr. Embryo was dead or not, thanks to the lingering HCG in my system. Stick is, of course, very positive.

6:05 p.m. – Laughing at my silly self, I go to the bathroom, toss out the stick, and go pee. When I wipe, I see a tiny bit of bright red on the toilet paper. World starts crumbling around me. I lie down on the bathroom floor.

6:15 p.m. – Yes, I’ve been lying on the floor for 10 full minutes. Weirdly, I feel the need to pee again. Does this mean I have a bladder infection? Does this mean I’m having a miscarriage? (Obviously needing to go pee isn’t linked to miscarriages, but I was convinced, of course). So I go pee again, and wipe again, and see blood again.

6:18 p.m. – Cue total hysterics. Full-out bawling, heaving sobs, hyperventilation, shaking, the works. Run to the bedroom and continue wailing and crying “WHYYYY?” over and over again like I’m Anne Hathaway in an even more melodramatic version of Les Mis. This lasts for at least 20 minutes, then I go into a zombie-like “dead state”. I’m supposed to get groceries and do laundry, but instead I order a really disgusting spelt-crust pizza (you know what? I’m fucking done with you, spelt) and lie on the couch in my bathrobe all night, making sure to feel EXTRA sorry for myself and my dead baby.

11 p.m. – Decide to get ready for bed. I need to go pee again, and this time I opt for a new technique, very gently and strategically dabbing the toilet paper around my front bum vicinity so as to confirm where the blood is coming from. No blood. I move a little further back. There’s the blood again. I stand up and (sorry, TMI alert) investigate my innards with my finger, and the only stuff that comes out is leftover Endometrin. Suddenly, it occurs to me that my morning poops have been a bit more strained than usual, so could it be coming from much further back?? I grab a hand mirror, pull a Paul Rudd in This is 40 (skip to 1:30), and sure enough, that was the damn source of it.

Guys, I very nearly wept with joy at the sight of my own anal bleeding. THIS IS A PROBLEM. Seriously, I need to get a grip. This is not me. I am so not like this. But clearly, two years of infertility-related anxiety have left me a lot more fragile than I’ve realized.

I have such bad feelings about this ultrasound on March 4, and while distraction is very much welcome and definitely helps, it is clearly not enough. My subconscious is reeling, and I’m not sure what to do.


P.S. If you do a Google Image search for “crazy”, this is what comes up:


Yep. A man in a vagina costume (with soft-focus borders). And the URL link refers to it as a “crazy costume for a crazy party”. No kidding.

25 thoughts on “Srsly need to get a grip!

  1. I had the same thing happen to me in week 7!! Wishing you the very best!! I wish I had some advice on how not to go nuts while waiting for the u/s but I still have at least one day a week where I worry it’s over.

  2. You’re right, the phrase “I was relieved to discover anal bleeding” definitely means that there is some stress going on. I am so sorry you had to go through that ordeal! And, even though I don’t know what infertility is like (besides from all the blogs I read), I can remember clearly the first few weeks of my pregnancy, every hour felt like a week. Time moved so freaking slow. I was terrified every time I went to the bathroom. You are not crazy, this is normal. (I think). I know some people go through the beginning just thinking, oh la la I didn’t even know I was pregnant! but that wasn’t me.
    The best advice I have is just distract distract distract. Stay as busy as possible. That can be tough to do when pregnancy consumes your mind. But try to fill up the days with things that make the time pass. I remember feeling like the U/S would never ever ever arrive. And one day it actually did. It will for you too.

  3. Ah! I’ve been there before! Even before TTC I learned the importance of the two part wipe so I could monitor my bum problems and not confuse them with my lady part problems. Hang in there and by all means, eat some lentils to give your bum a vacation!!! I have a delicious turkish lentil soup recipe that is packed with fiber and good-for-you things that I’ll post tomorrow in your honor :)

  4. Mmm-hmmm. Experienced the same thing. Had the same sort of freak out. Fun. I want to tell you that it gets better – and I guess it does, in some ways – but I still check the toilet paper. Every. Single. Time.

    Advice? That’s tough because I don’t know if anything will ever distract you completely or for long stretches of time. Relaxation and meditation CDs were useless for me because I could not shut my brain off, so I’m not going to recommend those unless you’re the type of person who zone out under pressure. When I think back on it, the only things that really gave me any relief from the constant pregnancy worries were playing games (whether that be Wii bowling or poker with my husband) and going to movies.

    Stay strong! Only a few more days…

  5. Oh, this made me laugh… not at your troubles, but at the high dramatics that I am 100% certain are in my near future. Weeping with happiness at a bleeding anus. Yes, I can see that.

    Also figured out why I like you so much – I’m a Taurus too! Hands down best sign of the Zodiac. Now, did you do what I did and marry your worst compatible match (Sagittarius)? I figured it would be fun to make the rest of my life more challenging.

    Wish I had some advice, but instead I will probably be asking for some next week. I think “blog about it” is always a good one because you can clearly see that your particular breed of crazy is not unique. We’ve all been there/are going there. Stay strong. It’s almost March.

  6. Oh, you sweet thing. It is only in pregnancy that anal bleeding becomes pretty much the best thing ever.

    Also, my husband created (designed, sewed) a full-body vagina costume for Halloween years ago. Yep.

  7. I imagine my reaction would be the same if that happened. But, you were rational enough to try and figure out where it was coming from (and now if I see bleeding I will immediately do the same). Waiting for my first beta number on Monday felt like an eternity. The day felt longer than the entire 2WW before it. And I only had to wait until about 2:30. Today I am waiting for my 2nd beta number and I imagine it will be more of the same. I can only imagine the wait for an ultrasound is going to even worse. You’re almost there. Only 5 more sleeps :)

  8. You are so funny my friend, even in the midst of trauma. I celebrate your butt blood with you and I think that is totally normal and not at all unusual for the infertile knocked up lady to be pleased with such a discovery. That picture made me snort tea.

  9. Oh my god, I love you so much. (Is that too forward? I’m sorry, but any girl who can be so candid about her rectum is a girl I want to call friend.) I’m sorry you’re having such anxiety. It’s so frustrating not to be able to be more zenlike about this whole TTC/pregnancy thing. I have not found any stellar distraction techniques yet, but my acupuncturist did tell me something once that I think about any time I find myself worrying about what might happen. She said, “Try not to borrow problems from the future.” Easier said then done, but it reminds me that if I’m going to come across something hard, it will be bad enough to go through it AS it’s happening. Seems a waste to put myself through the stress of dealing with it BEFORE it’s even happened, especially if it might not happen at all. It’s become a little mantra I tell myself.

    GOOD LUCK, girl, can’t wait to hear about your ultrasound once it finally gets here!

    • Bring on the lurve!! I’m all for it. Also, I really appreciate that mantra… I will definitely remind myself not to borrow problems from the future the next time I start panicking about stuff that, technically, hasn’t happened yet.

  10. Oh my god, I related to so much to this post that is not even funny (well actually it is). First of all, the checking every time thing is so true. When I wipe and there is nothing, I feel smug. As if I have accomplished something. And then the “bit more strained than usual” part, resulting in some blood. Yep, I totally get that too. Now, I didn’t confuse the two, because the pain let me know where the origin was, but I can only imagine the spiral of emotions that would set off!

    If you want to see more evidence of crazy pregnant behavior, check my latest post. You’re not alone :)

    p.s. The guy in a vagina hat with “soft focus borders” is hilarious!!

  11. Pizza makes everything better! Ha!

    I think most of us are like this leading up to the first ultrasound. We just expect it to no work out in the end. BUT – it’s going to work out! March 4th will be a lovely day, even if it is still a few days away.

    Hang in there – and eat all the pizza you want! It really does make everything better!

  12. First things first. Hi from a Sagittarius follower, LOL!! :) OK now down to “bidness” JUST IN CASE you do have some light spotting, before you go searching your innards by hand, know that the suppositories send the progesterone to your cervix and you can sometimes nick it since it is so rich with blood and that will make you go batshit crazy! So hopefully you remember this tidbit in that case. Colace will be your best friend, the progesterone is jacking up your “bunghole” so that’s the culprit (stupid progesterone!)
    I admit I was dying reading your scenario because I would be doing the same thing! Glad you found it to be of the anal variety and not the vajayjay.. Chin up it’s almost the 4th! Our u/s was April 4th of last year and the news was good, so sending some good news vibes your way!

  13. 1. Yay for anal bleeding! The first and only time I will probably ever type that sentence.
    2. You are pregnant. I’m not saying this in a “don’t worry” way, I’m saying it in a “you are hepped up on all kinds of crazy-making hormones and are not yourself” way. So bursting into tears and lying on the bathroom floor is probably par for the course right now. I’m just hoping that pretty soon you will stop worrying about not being pregnant and start worrying about really important things like what the hell was up with Anne Hathaway’s nipples at the Oscars.
    3. Only a few days left. I volunteer myself for a weekend of distraction making. We can go throw slushballs at Rob Ford’s house and then get Prairie Girl cupcakes. Have you had? They’re ginormous.

    • Haha, that sounds like a perfect weekend! Although I sort of OD’d on cupcakes when they were majorly trending in 2011 and can’t really bring myself to eat them anymore… though I’ve heard Prairie Girl ones are awesome. And yeah — I sort of liked the back of Hathaway’s dress, but the front looked like a pair of cheap satin drapes (sorry, Prada).

      • You can’t bring yourself to eat cupcakes?!?!?!?!? I’m sorry, I can’t be your friend anymore. My mom doesn’t let me play with weirdos.


  14. The early days are so stressful. Of course, I’ve never gotten passed the early days but I have been there four (and now five) times. It sucks. Thinking of you!

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