I’m not a religious person and I don’t believe in signs, but holy crap was I ever searching for them this morning. Sitting in the waiting room at the clinic, I was all, “It seems busier than normal today, but also quieter than normal today — does that mean my baby is alive or dead? If they’re making me wait longer than five minutes, does that mean they somehow know my baby is dead and are delaying the ultrasound?” Then my hubby opened up his laptop, started doing some work and asked me for a sip of the tea I’d brought with me, and I was like, “ARE YOU SERIOUS?! YOU WANT TO START SIPPING TEA WHEN WE’RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT THERE’S NO HEARTBEAT?!!” Then, the worst of all possible signs: I get called back by a tech I’ve never met before, who is 8 months pregnant and doing absolutely nothing to conceal this fact, and she says my husband isn’t allowed to come in with me. Great — so I’m going to have a fucking pregnant belly in my face and nobody by my side as I listen to the absence of a heartbeat.
She asked when my last period was and we went through the awkwardness of IVF embryo-dating. Then we did the abdominal ultrasound — in total silence — and the only thing she asked me was whether I did a fresh or frozen transfer. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?! Afterwards, we moved on to the trans-vaginal ultrasound and, once again, she’s saying nothing and I’m hearing nothing. Then she pipes up with, “I’m just going to check your ovaries because they can sometimes be a little tender at this point in time.” Again, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? WHAT POINT IN WHAT TIME, LADY?! Then it was over, and I had to sit in my doctor’s waiting room until he got the results. Basically, I assumed it was horrible news, and when we finally got called into his office, I couldn’t even look at his face because I knew what was coming. His cheery demeanour was clearly just for show.
We sat down opposite his desk and he closed the door.
“So, getting pregnant is easy, right?” he said. What? Was he joking about the fact that we’ve failed in this pursuit yet again? Then he sat down opposite us and said three beautiful words: “Everything looks good.”
I couldn’t believe it. I seriously couldn’t believe it. I’m pretty sure I made him repeat the above phrase at least three times. He went on to say that the embryo/fetus (what is it called at this point, anyway?) is measuring at 6 weeks 4 days — I expressed concern that I should be at 7 weeks by now and he said that, no, I was “naturally” supposed to be at 6 weeks 5 days, but it’s hard to be accurate at this stage anyway. Then I asked what the heart rate was and he said 128 beats per minute. This sounded low to me, so I asked if he was sure this was acceptable and he said yes. Then I asked, once again, if he was SURE this was acceptable and he rolled his eyes. Again, he said yes (and implied: shut up). Looking at the American Pregnancy Association’s notes on this, it does indeed appear to be fine, especially at this early stage.
And yet, because I had been hoping for an embryo measuring 7 weeks or more, and a heart rate at 140 or higher, I left the clinic still feeling nervous and worrying that these numbers were once again on the “lazy” side of things. The good news is that I don’t have to wait until 12 weeks for my next ultrasound — I’m getting another one in 10 days, when I should be closer to 8 weeks. Apparently, if that turns out fine, I can also request a photo of it (my clinic is seriously stingy when it comes to handing out images of anything).
We received some advice to “have sex but not intercourse” (um, OK), not get into an airplane, and not do ANY exercise whatsoever until we hit the 12-week mark. Then, it’s thumbs up to all the above, and no more progesterone suppositories.
So that’s all the news for now. I’m emotionally drained, to be honest. It still doesn’t feel real, and I don’t think I’ll actually believe this is happening until I can hear that beautiful, lazy-ass heartbeat with my own ears and see something that resembles a human on the ultrasound screen. Cue the 10-day wait, I suppose…
Btw, I’m pretty sure this is exactly what my embryo is telling me: