Trust issues

So now that I’m between ultrasounds — a phrase I never thought I’d be able to say — I’ve had a bit of time to calm down from my last appointment and reassess. A few commenters (and friends in real life) called me out for being too harsh on my embryo and giving it a complex about being lazy before it’s even reached 7 weeks. Y’all were totally right about this; I mean, obviously I am kidding when I call a bunch of cells a lazy-ass, but it’s occurred to me that this is all a defence mechanism. Having dealt with my hopes being crushed by an ectopic last year, I decided to blame that embryo because my doctor said it was most likely just a bad egg that got sticky at the wrong time. But then, I clearly developed a mistrust of ALL my embryos — like they were ALL hell-bent on causing me pain when I least expected it. Because of this, I’ve been trying to not get too emotionally attached, to not even acknowledge this heartbeat inside me as a “real” heartbeat.

This isn’t right, though. It’s not fair to this little guy (I’m convinced it’s a boy) who’s clearly trying to do its best to grow. So it’s time I learn to respect the embryo, regardless of the outcome. I may not get carried away and start buying pregnancy books or maternity clothes, but at the very least, I am going to try harder to relax and have faith. Like that scene in Mean Girls, I have to own up to my unnecessary criticisms, apologize and know that if I were to close my eyes and fall back, my embryo would catch me. Wait, shit, that could actually turn out really bad. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY HERE!


11 thoughts on “Trust issues

  1. I TOTALLY understand where you’re coming from.. It seems like I held my breath throughout the entire pregnancy with our son. My sis in law however, was cool as a cuke and oblivious that I was sure that at any moment something was going to go wrong! You are not alone in that, I can assure you.. It’s battle scars from IF! We are always waiting for “the other shoe to drop” so to speak and when it doesn’t I don’t think we know how to act.. After my SIL delivered our son, I was in a state of “what now?” it was so foreign to me.. Take it week by week and even day by day until you can feel comfortable. That’s all you can do! I think your little one is doing wonderful and pray that it continues to do so! :)

  2. You were just trying to protect yourself. Of course! It’s so normal. I can’t wait for you to start enjoying the fact that you will be having a baby, and I’m convinced it’s a boy too! :)

  3. I agree with Tonya…take it day by day and at some point (or so I hear!) it will get easier. I was very similar to you for about the first 8 weeks and still have days where I have a really tough time. Thinking of you!

  4. You crack me up. :) You really do come up with some of the best photoshopped images. (Plus, I’m kind of thankful you chose to put a bunch of cells on the dude’s head rather than the shrimp-like creature the baby probably looks like right now.)

    It does eventually get easier, but I’ll be honest and tell you that there are always going to be days when you’re certain it’s all going to go to hell. Unless you become one of those annoying women who can be totally zen about pregnancy, even after infertility…

  5. I think that’s a defence mechanism we all use. You project the worst, somehow thinking that if it happens then it’ll hurt less because you were prepared for it. Doesn’t seem to work that way in practice, though. While I’m sure freakouts are normal for anyone pregnant after infertility (and I hope to hell I get to experience those freakouts someday), it’s a long nine months if you’re on pins and needles the whole time. Glad you are finally cutting the kid some slack! :)

  6. Your lovely commenters have said it all, once again! You are totally, completely not alone in this. As someone already commented, I have also spent my entire time so far waiting for “the other shoe to drop!” Using every defense mechanism in the book. The fact that you’re calling yourself out on it (but DON’T be hard on yourself :) ) this early puts you waaaaay ahead of the game in my opinion! Good for you! And here’s hoping we continue to help each other break through our infertility doubts and fears no matter what stage of the journey we’re in! You don’t own me, IF! :)

  7. I am definitely having a hard time trusting that this is really happening. I keep saying “if I am pregnant” like I don’t want to get too attached. I am hoping it gets easier as we get farther along. I hope your next u/s gives you the reassurance you need.

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