“The Soil Test for the Endometrium”

Before we go ahead with IVF, which is gonna cost us approximately $12-million-zillion, Dr. No Nonsense (that’s how I’ll refer to my specialist) feels it’s worth making sure my uterine lining is actually capable of receiving an embryo. Because of my ectopic, we know there isn’t an issue with fertilization, but we’ve never had anything actually growing in my uterus, which means there’s a good chance something ain’t right with the chemistry, and apparently you need dozens of hard-to-pronounce proteins lining up PERFECTLY, in nice little layers, at the right time in your cycle, for an embryo to even consider making a home there. It’s like the embryo’s all, “I need three coats of primer, then a layer of Martha Stewart’s ‘Rolling Pin Beige’, then a fresco of the Last Supper, then a glossy finish,” etc.

All this to say, I had to do an endometrial biopsy this morning at 9 a.m., which is not a very pleasant way to wake up. But this is only the beginning — I have to pay my clinic about $500 to send that precious little chunk of my uterine lining ALL THE WAY TO YALE UNIVERSITY, so it can be analyzed by this dude.

Part of me is thrilled that my endometrium is going to Yale… this is the closest I’ll ever get to an Ivy League education, and I’m really tempted to put it on my résumé. But another part of me became slightly concerned upon receiving this educational DVD that explains how the lab will be analyzing my lining and why it’s so important:

Let’s just say, the opening sequence involves a woman in full-length Laura Ashley holding a seedling with her husband (yes, four hands trying to cradle one seedling), then walking awkwardly together toward a patch of mulch in a garden and planting it. At the very end of the video, we return to where the couple left off, except now they’re PULLING A LIVE BABY OUT OF THE SOIL. And it’s pre-swaddled, of course. If you don’t believe me, you can watch the video for yourself (skip to 7:40 for the Oscar moment).

Because nothing ever happens quickly in the infertility world, I have to wait four weeks for the results to come in, so that’s yet another cycle where we’ll be “trying naturally” (read: “wasting time”), and then our clinic closes for two weeks over the holidays, meaning my lady bits will get to rest up before I pummel them with drugs all over again. Yay!

5 thoughts on ““The Soil Test for the Endometrium”

  1. I’m too scared to watch that video- it sounds creepy!!

    Thanks for commenting on my blog. I look forward to following your blog! It sounds like we both might be doing our first IVF towards the beginning of 2013?

    • Haha, it’s funny more than anything… and I believe the baby is fake, at least. :) And yes, crossing our fingers for starting IVF in early 2013 — all depends on how this lining test goes. If nothing is wrong, maybe we can be IVF buddies!

    • Ha! Exactly like that movie! I couldn’t bring myself to watch that weirdness… at least this vid was only 7 minutes. Plus the image of a child with branches and leaves growing out of his shins seemed totally freaky.

  2. THIS is the correct post sorry.

    I know that my stupid is showing. But if like they said, the only reason she couldn’t get pregnant was because of “bad soil” due to a shotty tube, then why once they removed her tube did she still have to do IVF and not just conceive through sex? There are studies that have shown that long term use of oral BCP have changed lining since the latest oral bc are not contraceptives in the true sense of the word. Some people’s bodies have to take up to a year to “detox” from oral bc. http://areteaspirations.blogspot.com/2012/07/abortion.html#!/2012/07/abortion.html
    has a link to the article where it talks about effects of BC pills on women’s bodies to include the effect on the lining. The article talks in detail about the lining to use it to say that its “abortion” it has some good info though

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