Well, if there was any seminal life accomplishment that was going to convince me to start updating this blog again, it was my kid taking a shit in the bathtub. (Insert more sincere apologies here about neglecting this space and follow up with a few obnoxious, humble-braggy excuses relating to how little time there is when you have a baby, etc. etc.)
So, it turns out I have an 8-month-old.
In this time, I’ve enjoyed many new life experiences. It’s rare that something 100% new and unfamiliar happens when you’re in your mid-thirties, which is why it’s so damn exciting to, like, grow a human in your uterus and give birth. But changing diapers – done before; feeding another person – done; being woken up repeatedly throughout the night – done; buying stuff I don’t really need on Amazon – done. Hence, it was with GREAT excitement when a total first happened recently: Max pooped in the bathtub. Fine, it was pretty gross, but also kind of hilarious, and it gave me a brand new challenge, ie. cleaning poop out of the tub, which I’ve never had to do before, even in my drunkest of college days.
I’m going to spare you those details — let’s just cut to the following night, when Max was in the tub and I heard the telltale grunting. It became our first attempt at elimination communication, and was a complete success. So here, I present my easy-peasy guide to accomplishing this, in case you want some inspiration:
1. Make sure your baby knows what poo is; do this by holding a soiled diaper in front of him and gesticulating to it as Vanna White would, explaining that this fine specimen he produced using the powers of his intestinal tract and a momentary burst of concentration is called, simply, poo. Slight variations in colour and tone may occur from day to day, but generally speaking, it’s the same shit.
2. Feed your baby a large meal, washed down with some breastfeeding (or formula), then insert baby into a warm bath. Wait.
3. Listen for pushing/grunting noises and watch for physical straining of any kind, and/or a slight protrusion of the stomach.
4. As soon as this happens, HOIST BABY OUT OF THE TUB AND THROW HIM ON THE TOILET AND CLUTCH HIS DRIPPING WET AND PROBABLY GETTING COLD TORSO AND KEEP SAYING “POO POO POO POO POO POO POO POO” OVER AND OVER.
5. When baby starts to poo, say “Good job!” and kiss him on the forehead. Demonstrating affection while the turd is still technically on its way out may feel slightly awkward, but get over it — your baby is pooping in the toilet like a grown-ass man! Screw diapers!
6. Take high-res photo of poop in toilet with your fancy iPhone 5 and send it to husband who is currently travelling and therefore will see this first thing in the morning before he’s had breakfast.
Mission accomplished. You’re welcome.
(This was obviously inspired by Mom Spelled Backwards‘ recent How To guides, which are much funnier).