Greetings, menopause!

Rarely in life do you get to experience a teaser for what’s to come about 20 years down the road. Sometimes, after shovelling snow off the front sidewalk, you’ll get a backache and think, “Man, I guess this is what arthritis will be like when I’m old.” Or maybe, when put on the spot, you can’t remember how old you are for a few seconds and think, “Crap, is this what memory loss is going to be like when I’m 70?” Now, I get the distinct pleasure of starting my Lupron shots and settling in for the preview of a film I like to call This is What Menopause Will Be Like, Sucker! I hear Roger Ebert gave it a very bad review. My mother also rated it poorly, giving it zero stars and declaring, “You won’t sleep at all.”

For those who have no idea what “Lulu” is all about, it’s basically a drug that suppresses the ovaries. This means they stop producing estrogen, and also don’t go right ahead pre-selecting an egg to release during ovulation—this, in turn, means the fertility doc can take better control over the whole reproductive system and help the ovaries produce MANY eggs, rather than just one, and it all happens on his (or her) schedule.

So, yes. Here we go with all that. Got my assortment of syringes and alcohol swabs and a needle disposal tub ready.

Lulu

Fortunately, the whole stabbing myself in the stomach part doesn’t bother me. The only annoying thing is, I have to do this every night at the exact same time, between 5 p.m. and 10 p.m. I’m thinking it makes more sense to do it closer to 5, because if I’m ever out for dinner with friends, I don’t want to have to rush back home immediately after the main course or, worse, sneak off to the bathroom and start unpacking my mini nursing station.

Otherwise, I guess I just have to prepare myself for the symptoms of not having any estrogen: Hot flashes, night sweats, hair loss, bone loss (?!), depression, fluid retention and weight gain. No problem!

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