Trust issues

So now that I’m between ultrasounds — a phrase I never thought I’d be able to say — I’ve had a bit of time to calm down from my last appointment and reassess. A few commenters (and friends in real life) called me out for being too harsh on my embryo and giving it a complex about being lazy before it’s even reached 7 weeks. Y’all were totally right about this; I mean, obviously I am kidding when I call a bunch of cells a lazy-ass, but it’s occurred to me that this is all a defence mechanism. Having dealt with my hopes being crushed by an ectopic last year, I decided to blame that embryo because my doctor said it was most likely just a bad egg that got sticky at the wrong time. But then, I clearly developed a mistrust of ALL my embryos — like they were ALL hell-bent on causing me pain when I least expected it. Because of this, I’ve been trying to not get too emotionally attached, to not even acknowledge this heartbeat inside me as a “real” heartbeat.

This isn’t right, though. It’s not fair to this little guy (I’m convinced it’s a boy) who’s clearly trying to do its best to grow. So it’s time I learn to respect the embryo, regardless of the outcome. I may not get carried away and start buying pregnancy books or maternity clothes, but at the very least, I am going to try harder to relax and have faith. Like that scene in Mean Girls, I┬áhave to own up to my unnecessary criticisms, apologize and know that if I were to close my eyes and fall back, my embryo would catch me. Wait, shit, that could actually turn out really bad. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY HERE!

trustfall

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