Before we go ahead with IVF, which is gonna cost us approximately $12-million-zillion, Dr. No Nonsense (that’s how I’ll refer to my specialist) feels it’s worth making sure my uterine lining is actually capable of receiving an embryo. Because of my ectopic, we know there isn’t an issue with fertilization, but we’ve never had anything actually growing in my uterus, which means there’s a good chance something ain’t right with the chemistry, and apparently you need dozens of hard-to-pronounce proteins lining up PERFECTLY, in nice little layers, at the right time in your cycle, for an embryo to even consider making a home there. It’s like the embryo’s all, “I need three coats of primer, then a layer of Martha Stewart’s ‘Rolling Pin Beige’, then a fresco of the Last Supper, then a glossy finish,” etc.

All this to say, I had to do an endometrial biopsy this morning at 9 a.m., which is not a very pleasant way to wake up. But this is only the beginning — I have to pay my clinic about $500 to send that precious little chunk of my uterine lining ALL THE WAY TO YALE UNIVERSITY, so it can be analyzed by this dude.

Part of me is thrilled that my endometrium is going to Yale… this is the closest I’ll ever get to an Ivy League education, and I’m really tempted to put it on my résumé. But another part of me became slightly concerned upon receiving this educational DVD that explains how the lab will be analyzing my lining and why it’s so important:

Let’s just say, the opening sequence involves a woman in full-length Laura Ashley holding a seedling with her husband (yes, four hands trying to cradle one seedling), then walking awkwardly together toward a patch of mulch in a garden and planting it. At the very end of the video, we return to where the couple left off, except now they’re PULLING A LIVE BABY OUT OF THE SOIL. And it’s pre-swaddled, of course. If you don’t believe me, you can watch the video for yourself (skip to 7:40 for the Oscar moment).

Because nothing ever happens quickly in the infertility world, I have to wait four weeks for the results to come in, so that’s yet another cycle where we’ll be “trying naturally” (read: “wasting time”), and then our clinic closes for two weeks over the holidays, meaning my lady bits will get to rest up before I pummel them with drugs all over again. Yay!

I have to admit, I’ve been hesitant to start this thing… I’m not one of those girls who’s starting a blog after one failed cycle trying to conceive naturally. I keep thinking, “Don’t start blogging because, as soon as you do, you’ll end up pregnant and have to shut the whole thing down.” Of course, now, I’m going into my first round of IVF after six failed IUIs and one lousy ectopic to show for it, after a year and a half of trying and failing to make a baby. So I guess maybe I do need an outlet for all this stress, actually…

Stay tuned for what I hope will become one of those IF blogs that’s heavy on piss-taking and sarcasm, less heavy on schmaltzy pontificating.