Calming myself with a (non-tequila) sunrise

Our 16-week appointment is coming up, which is totally NOT a milestone of any kind, nor should it be any cause for concern, but of course because it’s been three weeks since I last heard the heartbeat, I’ve started panicking. Again with the fears that Right On Time Fetus is dead, again with the obsessive-compulsive thoughts about how it maybe just stopped growing. Distraction, as always, is so damn important — and it was great last week because I turned 34 and was easily able to distract myself for a few days with other, more selfish fears of aging and disease. Then I had to pay my taxes — the infertility meds came in handy for easing the financial strain this year, but it was still a major blow to the bank account having to write those cheques. The only upside was that it proved to be another great distraction as I replaced baby fears with fears of The Tax Man coming to my front door and threatening to audit me and take even more of my monies.

Finally, I decided this weekend to attempt a form of distraction that did NOT involve fear (wha? huh?). Rather, it involved escaping to my parents’ new cottage two hours north of the city, perched right on a beautiful lake. It was my first time sleeping over there and — because it’s east-facing and still doesn’t have curtains or blinds — I was woken up at 5:45 a.m. by the sunrise. This is what I saw from my position in bed:

Sunrise

Normally, I would have been irritated at anyone waking me up at 5:45 a.m., be it a friend, stranger, or ball of fire in the sky. But I figured I should probably get used to this if there still is a heartbeat inside my abdomen, as it will eventually make for a pretty sleepless fall/winter, defined largely by wailing and pooping. And so I took a few moments to appreciate the insane peace and tranquility of a Muskoka lake before anyone else had woken up (and if Right On Time Fetus was awake by that point, well, good for him/her. Wait, can fetuses even open their eyelids at 16 weeks? Gawd, nevermind).

Anyone have any other calming rituals I might be able to borrow in the days leading up to these tests, scans and appointments?

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