Just don’t think about whether there might be something dead or alive within you!

The week and a bit before my March 4 ultrasound is absolutely killing me. I have much, much empathy for those coping with ye ol’ 2-week-wait, but there is a special breed of torment in the build-up to Ultrasound Numero Uno, ie. the ultrasound that reveals whether you have dead human remains festering within you or an actual living being with a heartbeat and spinal cord. Yeah, no biggie — don’t even think about it.

As if. I can’t stop thinking about it. And at the same time, I’m so paralyzed with fear that I’m unable to act on my constant thinking about it, so instead I’m just sitting here in a panic, not looking into OBs, not researching what I should or shouldn’t be eating/drinking, not learning about what changes may be going on with my body — basically not acknowledging this pregnancy at all just in case I jinx it. Of course, I made the one mistake of Google Imaging what my lazy embryo should look like if it is, in fact, alive and well. And it turns out to be this weird blob that’s something between a tadpole and a misshapen kidney. That’s sort of creeping me out, to be honest.

On top of all this, I still have zero symptoms, which is worrying. OK, that’s not entirely true — I’ve been having some lower-back pain, but while that normally might console me, I’ve read about women who get lower-back pain right before they miscarry, so NEVERMIND FEELING BETTER ABOUT THAT. I guess I just have to try harder to distract myself, and hopefully the weekend will be busy enough to help me accomplish this. I’ve got a facial booked, some hang times with a friend, a brunch date, a late-lunch date, and an Oscar party. Then it’s another seven days and seven nights of mental anguish…

On another note, check out this fun toy company I found, called I Heart Guts! They make plush uteruses and ovaries! A perfect gift for the RE in your life, or perhaps that friend who still doesn’t understand what fallopian tubes have to do with getting pregnant.

ovary

This is the “ova achiever”… cuteness!

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